Gounder Community Marriage Rituals

Kongu Vellalars or Kongu Vellala Gounders are known by a common name Gounders. They are known as the descendants of warriors, who fought for the Chola and Chera kingdoms in South India. In the latter years, their interest in the agricultural development has earned them the name Kongu Vellala Gounders. The community is also called by other names, which include Nattu Gounders-Kattu Gounders, Narambukatti Gounders, Senthalai Gounders, Padathalai Gounders, and Irumudi Gounders.
Gounder community is more prominent in places such as Palani Taluq of Madurai, Salem, Dharmapuri, Periyar and Coimbatore districts. The total area of their living covers around 7500 Sq. miles and it is commonly known as the Kongu Region. Though the region has a number of flowing rivers such as Cauveri, Neyyar, Amaravathi and Bhavani, being in a dry plain it receives only scanty annual rainfall. The area mostly depends on deep bore ground wells for irrigation.
Gounder caste includes 145 family names also known as kootam, gothram, or clan. The names often resemble the name of a flower (Araiyan), tree (Oodaalan), fish (Avuriyan), a bird (Antuvan) or human body parts. The names of the kootams are similar to the names used during the old Tamil Sangam period. Each of this Kootam will worship their own Kula deivam or family deity and follow their Kulaguru. They normally offer prayers at the temples of their own specific deities. They avoid and do not arrange marriages between the two families of the same Kulam or Koottam.
The community known for their hard work follows well refined wedding customs which amply reflect their living style. Every rite performed during their marriage is unique and carry a specific reason. These marriage rituals follow old Tamil Sangam age practices as a base. Over the time they have undergone changes in tone with the available facilities, changing habits and technology while some of them do not exist now.

Porutham Parthal
In Gounder community parents arrange most of the marriages. After confirming the willingness of their son or daughter for marriage, the parents, will spread the news across their close relatives and friends, announcing their intentions about the search for a suitable match. The factors that play a crucial role in the bride or groom selection include matching of horoscope, economic and social status of the family, their financial conditions and earning capabilities, and the level of education.

Sagunam Parthal
After both the families mutually get satisfied about the matching of their son or daughters horoscope with that of a received horoscope, they will go ahead towards the next step of Sagunam Parthal. They will seek favorable omens to take further steps in fixing the marriage. They believe in sagunams such as the movement flowers placed before their Kula Deivam, or the sound of a lizard or any other good omen that best conveys the blessings of the god. After getting convinced about the favorable Sagunams, both the families will visit each other. They will do this to have first hand information about the land, house possessions, living status of the other family. On mutual satisfaction, the families will then try to confirm the marriage by performing Nichyadhaartham ceremony.

Nichyadhaartham
Nichyadhaartham also known as Nichaya thamboolam is arranged on a convenient and auspicious day. The bridegroom’s family will visit the house of the bride or a place specially chosen for the purpose along with their relatives and friends to conduct the ceremony. Both the families and friends will sit in rows opposite to each other to enable easy discussion between them. A tripod is kept in between the two rows, over which a plate with betel and Areca, and fruits is placed.

The groom’s side will initiate the discussion asking the bride’s side to accept the marriage proposal. This will be gladly reciprocated by the bride’s side. Then the groom and the bride’s side will exchange the plates containing fruits, betel and Areca as confirmation of the Nichayadhaartham. The groom’s side will present the bride a new dress especially chosen for the occasion. The bride will wear the dress for the Nichayadhaartham. She will keep lemon, turmeric, Areca nut and betel in her lap and offer her respect for all the elders who have come to attend the function. Then both the families will fix up an approximate date, time and venue for the marriage. The bride’s family will complete the occasion by offering a grand feast known as ‘parupanchotru virundhu’ (a feast comprises of rice and dhal) to the groom’s family.
Some of the pure Tamil names related to the rites performed before the marriage include pariyam iduthal, kulam kodhudhal and muhurthakaal naattudhal.

Invitation for marriage:
During the olden days the Kudimagan chosen for the occasion will extend the invitation on behalf of the families. While extending the invitation, he will mention the number of persons expected to attend from each invited families. Families will consider his invitation as prestigious and those families that did not get his personal invite may choose to boycott the marriage. Currently only printed invitation cards are used to invite the families. The bride or groom’s family will extend personal invitation only to their close family relatives and friends and for others while for others they use courier or postal services.

Rites before marriage:
In Gounder marriages the ceremonial marriage rites are elaborately conducted for three days. They follow the old Sangam period marriage traditions and such traditions do not include chanting of Vedic hymns and rising of holy fire. The Gounder marriages offer a very good scope for participation from other communities. The other communities that partake in the marriage rituals include Navidhar (barber), Vannar (washer man), Kuyavar (potter), Kammalar (carpenter), Maadhaari (cobbler), and Pandaram (cook).
Arumaikaarar a revered and senior member of the community blessed with a wife and child/children will conduct the marriage ceremonies. He is also respectably called by other names such as Pudavaikaarar, Seerkaarar and Arumaiperiyavar. Similarly a senior woman member is selected as Arumaikaari. The chosen woman would have completed a procedure known as Ezhudhingam under an Arumaikarar when her daughter or son has attained the marriage age. Arumaikaari along with Arumaikaarar also will conduct certain marriage rituals.

Next to Arumaikaarar the Navidhar (Barber) gets the respect and he plays a significant role in the marriage. Affectionately called as Kudimagan, he performs the role of inviting the relatives for the marriage, calls the relatives before every specific ritual of the marriage and sings the Mangala vaazhthu song thus assisting the Arumaikaarar. He also completes the haircut and shaving procedures performed on the groom before the marriage. The Vannar erects the colorfully decorated temporary shed (Pandhal) for the marriage, while the Potter supplies the earthen pots needed for the marriage rituals. The Kammalar provides the boxes made f wood and the box to be used for madaikalam vaithal.

Marriage
Naal Virundhu (1^st day of the marriage)
The Gounder  marriage commences with Naal Virundhu on the first day. The feast is arranged by the close relatives of the bridegroom and the bride. Such feast arranged by the relatives of both the sides creates a comfortable atmosphere between the families.

Muhurtha Kaal (2^nd Day)
It is a common practice among the Gounder community to offer voluntary services to the bride’s side before and during the marriage and to assist the other marriage related works. On the second day of the marriage the relatives of the bride will jointly make all the needed arrangements such as serving the relatives during the feasts, cutting of firewood and steaming of the paddy. They will also install the pandhal under which the marriage will be performed.Three arumaikaarars will erect the muhurtha kaal to showcase the commencement of the marriage. During the marriage rituals on the second day a specific type of loud beating instrument is played.

Muhurtham (3^rd Day)
The third day of the marriage is very important. The marriage gets completed with the tying of thali at the fixed muhurtham time. During the ceremony the bridegroom and the bride will wear the traditional dresses and sit over a raised platform. The bridegroom will tie the thali or mangala naan around the neck of the bride. The mangala vadyams or sacred instruments will be played during the occasion. Exchanging of garlands will mark completion of the wedding rituals. The marriage rites such as Kaappu Kattudhal, Tharai varthal and Kaithalam pattrudhal performed before and during the marriage point out the rights and responsibilities bestowed on the couples through the marriage.

Events associated with the marriage

Mangala Vaazthu
Reciting Mangala Vaazthu is an exclusive event during Gounder marriages. Poet Kambar wrote the song in pure Tamil to honour Sadayappa Vallal a Kongu vellalar. It describes the entire range of events that takes place during the marriage and compares it with that of those that happen in a royal family. The song highly praises the marriage as an institution while blessing the newly married couple.

Aarathi Eduthal
Aarathi Eduthal an important event in marriages and it is performed at the end of all the marriage ceremonies. The elderly women chosen for the purpose will hold a plate containing red coloured water made using a mix of turmeric and lime. The plate with lighted camphor will be taken in clockwise and anti clockwise motions before the newly married couple. Such an act is believed to ward off the evil eye cast during the marriage and protect the couple.

Senjoru Aindhadai Suttrudhal & Arugumanam seidhal’
Senjoru Aindhadai Suttrudhal & Arugumanam seidhal rituals are performed after completing all the marriage ceremonies. They intend to end and get rid of the blight induced due to evil eye during the marriage celebrations.

Kalyana Virundhu
The Gounder marriage is complete only after the Kalyana Virundhu. It includes extravagant and lavish vegetarian food items served on plantain leaves. The feast will adequately serve taste buds of the guests to bring them joy.

Disclaimer: the information provided in the write up is collected from various sources and we believe them as correct. We will be happy to receive corrections if any. Please send your mail with details to content@kmmatrimony.com

Understand the Issues Related to Dating by the Couple Whose Marriage is Fixed

Dating culture was not generally known to Indians, especially the south Indians up in the nineties and some years beyond. Though, it was happening in the higher strata of society and among the rich, they too maintained a low profile about it. The lower and middle class families, never encouraged dating before the marriage and were hesitant to encourage it even after the fixing of the marriage date.

During the later part of the nineties, the introduction of the Internet and high bandwidth leased lines has enabled the entry of foreign BPO and software companies. Such companies, while increasing the job opportunities and offering a higher level of pay and perks to the deserving job seekers , also have brought in changes in the outlook of the society. The society that was up till then discouraging women from attending shift duties and night duties, started allowing them to join such organisations, in order  to become breadwinners and independent wage earners.

Presently, there is a change in the outlook of the parents. Some of them even encourage their wards, whose marriages are fixed or engaged, to go out with the partner if there are a couple of months left before the actual marriage date. Such an arrangement, enables the couple to look back their romance period after the marriage. The question that normally arise in the mind of parents or the couple is about the proximity to be maintained between the couple during such dating, and whether to allow any extra freedom for the engaged couple. While such questions are continuously debated, the dating has  steadily gained momentum and become more prevalent.

Such courtship or dating also has some positive aspects. It allows the couple to know each other more intimately and enables them to have a concrete idea about their life partner. It is advisable for the couple to open up slowly and allow the relationship to blossom naturally.

Dating before marriage also presents the lurking danger about misunderstanding each other. One should be careful in the exchange words and never give room for ambiguity and possible misreading of an expression. Exercise more care, while making comments with those who are reserved or those who feel very much excited. Balance your thoughts and try to stride an easy approach that increases the pleasure and reduce discomfort.

It is your exclusive right, to open up or leave the discussion on your past relationships if you had any. Most of the couple, would prefer to forget and put aside such events, instead of precipitating. It is essential for the dating couple to use their common sense in deciding what to disclose and what not to disclose. They must try to use the opportunity to understand the plus and minus points of the partner to adjust and lead a happy life.

Don’t Struck Up with Your Past Love – Learn to Forget and Live Afresh

A few days back a good looking  young man came to Kalyanamalai office with his parents. Anxiety was written on the face of all of them.  We could see the parents trying to convince their son to register for our services.  On another occasion it was a beautiful young lady and her parents. They  were also trying to console the daughter and make her agree to register for our services. What was common between the young man and the young woman was love failure.
Most of us have faced failures in our life at-least once. When we can shake off and continue our life with other failures, we get struck , when we face a love failure. We continue to get haunted by the negative memories, feel the pain and try to cling to the past involuntarily.

Learn to Overcome the Feeling
It is a fact that you cannot really change such love laden past or forget it easily. But, you can always consider it as a bad element of your past and shrug it off. Learn to use it only as a launching pad, to learn new experiences, to live a full life. You don’t try to rescript the failure that you went through, but, try to comprehend it and handle it with a strong mind. Always remember that carrying such emotional pain lifelong, will only doom you with more failures. Learn to overcome it and always keep in mind that love and life will not start and end with a single person.

Never Become Dependent on Opinions
Forever remember that it is your life and you have to leave the hurt to move on. You will find a number of advisors surround you  and offer you advises, opinions and asking questions. Learn to listen to them disenchanted, never allow them a chance to probe into your mind and hurt you. Try to remember only those suggestions that can really benefit you. Use the period for right self introspection and never get emotionally blackmailed and become dependent on offered opinions.

Have Support of Friends
Never remain aloof and go on self-exile. It will only complicate the issue and increase your sorrow. Think of a friend on whom you can fall back for support. Choose those friends, who can cheer you up without reminding you on your past. Take pause from your work  and go on a holiday to a crowded place, where you can see a number of people. Take the help of your friends and get assured that you will never be alone. Indulge in new sports with them. Enter into cheerful conversations about your work place, college or even school days but make sure that they don’t talk on your lost love.

Develop Letgo Tendency
Never try to carry your old baggage in real-time. Never clutch to the old insult, anger, loss of mind with you all the time. Learn to separate those emotional triggers from your life with a developed let it go habit. Grow a disenchanted feeling towards your lost love and assure yourself that it can’t hurt you any more.

Don’t Allow Your past to Control Your Future
The first thing you must learn is not to allow your past to have any say in your future life. Most of the time we allow the past bad experience, to have control on our life. Never develop a spontaneous response to carry-over the ugly effects of lost love into your future. Learn to overcome the negative challenges with your proactive attitude and newer mental insight.

Learn to Create a Positive Future
Don’t let the failure make you mentally fragile. Consider it as a challenge thrown at you and never allow the emotions of failure to envelop you. Learn to venture into your future armoured with the experiences learned from your past. Think positive and assure yourself that you can easily create a positive future for yourself. If you cannot then who can do it for you.

Conclusion
Time is the best healer and it applies perfectly to a love failure. But let you not take too much time to come-out of it. Learn as quickly as possible to leave your past once for all behind you. Turn yourself into better aspects of life knowing that there are people around you to love you and to join you in your life.

Try Fulfill the Expectations of Your Partner for the Success of Marriage

Regular viewers of Kalyanamalai SUN TV program, would have observed that nearly 90% of the brides introduced by thiru Kalyanamalai Mohan in the program, prefer a husband who will love her, support her and be with her. Similarly, the grooms always look forward for a bride, who can adjust with his family and do things that are liked by him. These are considered to be their basic expectations. They must certainly be having a number of other expectations. The home making journey of the couple, will begin and continue happily, only, when they make sincere efforts to understand and fulfill the expectations of the other.

Don’t Try to Adjust – Just Accept Your Partner
A marriage bonds the two families, increases the member number and above all, brings in lifelong affinity between two individuals. It converts the hitherto I and me elements, into we and ours, to give them a universal approach . Most of the times, it is the wife who enters into an altogether different lifestyle, always tries to adjust and live with the situation.
Modern day psychiatrists have cautioned that adjusting to the situation, do not yield positive results in the long run. They instead suggest the couple to, accept the other as they are. Either the wife can accept the changes that she has to undergo, without showing any resentment or the husband can accept her as it is without enforcing the changes on her. Such an attempt, though create problems in the beginning, will actually strengthen the companionship between the couple, allows him/her  to get adopted  to others demand naturally to endure the married life.

Don’t Try to Prevail – Just Persuade
Normally, the newly married couple will start facing the problems, soon after the waning of initial love and interest between them. Each of them will try to prevail on the other enforcing his/her ideas calling it as right. When they fail in their attempt, it results in a bitter ego clash and brings in further rifts. Instead, when he/she is sure that the partner is wrong, they should never try to prevail on her/him, instead should  try to persuade without hurting her/his  ego for better results.
Don’t Do Self Promotion – Just Play it Normal
Most of the couples, especially the male, indulge in self promotion during the first few months,  after  the marriage. Such self promotion by him is normally indulged, to boost up his personal reputation in the mind of the new partner. While, such harmless self promotion impresses the partner, any excess of it or its encroaching into the other sensitive areas, will normally backfire. Remember, such self promotion or build up of facts, normally creates a negative impact, in the mind of your partner. If you want to be safe with your partner, just play it right and normal.

Don’t Try to Power Your Way – Just Make Your Approach Passive
Indian society is currently undergoing a transition. It is no more a purely male dominated one. It is expected to become either neutral or women dominated soon. With women getting equal opportunities in education and employment, the mutual approach between the couple also needs a fresh look. Though most of the present day couples have understood the need and get attuned to the change, still some of them live in the past. It is an undeniable fact that a passive approach brings in a friendlier and more conducive atmosphere than a powered talking.

Don’t Make Haste Moves – Just Give Time to Simmer
In India it is a practice for the bride to join and move to her husband’s house after the marriage. While a newly wed groom may find it easy to move with his in-laws and command respect, it is not that easy for a newly wed bride. She will have initial hiccups to get unified with her husbands family. It is essential for the husband to stay with his wife, put her at ease in the initial transition period.
He must develop an ideal relationship, without making haste moves to thrust the changes in her. Instead, he must allow her to retain her originality and get tuned to the changes, where  it is very essential. The effective role played by the husband, in assisting his wife to have a quick rapport with his parents, relatives and others, will increase her belonging feeling. He must never allow the entry of any third person including his parents into the affairs during the simmering period and complicate the issue.

Don’t try to Dominate – Just Learn to Play a Second Fiddle
While, a male physically dominates a family, a female lead it with her special intuition power. She is endowed with multi-tasking capabilities and a sense of security. When a husband understands these special attributes of her and plays a supportive role it helps in the financial growth of the family in the long run.

Don’t promote Diffidence – Just Encourage Confidence
It is quite common among the men, to behave over confidently, to suppress their inferiority complex. Some of them will depict such complex in words when their wife earns more income than they. The wife should learn to approach it with sympathy in order to induce self-confidence in their husband’s mindset.

Don’t Compete – Just be in Equal Standing
It is no more a problem for a present day husband to join his wife in the house chores. It is important for the wife to not to compete with the husband on the sharing of household  work, complicate it into an ego problem. Instead they must make it happen in a normal way on neutral grounds.

Don’t Complicate Your Intimate Times into Complex ones – Just Learn to Live Them with Confidence
It is a fact that most of the married couple is endowed with wrong and incomplete ideas about their very private life. They often find that their theoretical book knowledge has no relevance to their practical living. They must learn to worry only about their personal likings and that of their partner nothing else. They must quickly find a neutral ground uninhibitedly to build up a healthy relationship. Only mutual trust and empathy for the partner will endow them to have an enduring and exciting private life.

Have an Open Mind – Allow Your Young Daughter-in-Law to Settle Down

It is not uncommon to hear the parents remark that their new daughter-in-law has belied all their expectations. They normally claim that her interests in life often clash with theirs and she has no respect for their values or beliefs. They further call and brand her attitude as wrong. But they forget the simple fact that their daughter-in-law is actually endowed with a different attitude and not with a wrong attitude.

Such parents, should first give enough time to their daughter-in-law to settle down in her new life. They must try to discuss the confronting issues with her in a calm way. Instead, most of them often talk and discuss about it openly with everyone, thus causing her heartburn. Their unneeded intervention and open remarks about her attitude, will only create further friction. In some cases, it may flare up into a brawl, thus inviting her parents to join the issue. Then, the issue will center around the pride and emotions amongst them, to create further rifts.

They must first find out, whether her attitude impacts their son. If it impacts him, then he will automatically initiate the needed action for it. The parents should also know that their complaint about their in-law and the demand to change her attitude may backfire on them. In cases, where the husband knows the attitude problem of his wife and want to handle it subtly without exerting pressure on her, may not hesitate to ask his parents to pull out.

Most of the time, her attitude may be the result of her upbringing, influence of her parents and the experiences she underwent. Generally, the present day youngsters quickly get adjusted to each others attitude, after the marriage. Even the initial hiccups are overcome efficiently for a smooth sailing. In most of the cases, what was a major attitude issue for his parents, becomes a trivial and unimportant issue for him and he normally don’t give much credence to it.

An open talk between the couple, often helps her to view the problem from his point of view, to understand it and get adjusted to it. Such an action of the husband, enables her to become more flexible. She has to compromise a little on her perception in tone with the family values. Also, the husband can request his family members to grant his wife time to get tuned to their values to join the family as its valuable member. He can simultaneously explain to his wife the initiatives required from her part.

The parents have a very vital role in helping the couple to get a perfect understanding between them. Instead of harping on the attitude issue, they must allow them enough time to settle down in their life. They must desist offering any suggestions or talk offensively unless asked. They must know that in extreme cases only a professional help will come handy. They must play the role of a stepping stone for the couple to realize their life dreams with proper guidance.

Parents Should Learn to Play a Positive Role in Shaping the Married Life of their Daughter

The last two decades have brought in a series of changes in the mindset of the people, family living, social status, marriage and more. The education and economic conditions have made most of the Indian families to opt for a single child or at the most a two child norm.

Such nuclear families, especially those with a single daughter will always stay very closely knitted. The parents who were able to bear the separation of their daughter on education and employment grounds, finds it more difficult to undergo the permanent separation after the marriage. They suffer the pain of separation and mental distress. To avoid such a separation, some of them even go to the extent to marry their daughter in their own cities or close by places to enable visiting her regularly.

Most of the current day husbands, who also hail from such nuclear single child families understand the plight of their in-laws and let their regular visits to see their daughter. The parents’ visits are tolerated as long as they don’t eat up the privacy between the couple. The problem starts when such parents expect their daughter to reciprocate their visits. Some of the parents while taking advantage of their visits will overzealously try to poke their nose into the family affairs of their daughter. In a nutshell they unintentionally and unknowingly will prevent their daughter from smoothly transitioning into her new role as a wife.

Such parents must understand that their continued dominance will prevent their daughter from starting her own family life with her own set of priorities. They must allow their daughter to spend quality time with her husband and her in-laws. They must guide her to understand the need to develop a good rapport with all the members of her husband’s family. If their daughter is employed, they must teach her how to efficiently manage her family and work with effective apportioning of time. They must appreciate her efforts to have quality weekends with her husband and in-laws instead of missing her absence at their home.

They must play a supportive role with their daughter in her passage from their only daughter to an efficient house wife and in turn a proud mother. They must learn to understand that the separation has created a new bondage and new relationships. They must try to nurture the new relationship and offer a positive role in the family creating efforts of their daughter.

Getti Melam Program – A New Initiative of KM Matrimony

The new Getti Melam program from Kalyanamalai which evoked much interest from the day one of its announcement was held successfully at Vijaya Mahal, Pondy Bazaar, Chennai on 9th and 10th of March. The registration amount for the program was kept as Rs.1001/- to benefit larger chunk of marriage seekers.

In order to help everyone who is on the lookout of a bride or groom and to make sure of larger participation, KM Matrimony used all the vehicles of propaganda such as posters, handbills, newspaper advertisements and FM radio advertisements to announce the details of the program. The program arranged during the weekend from 8.00AM to 8.00 PM for the participants' convenience.

On Saturday the 9th March the program started with a prayer seeking the blessings of god for the success of the program and early marriage benefit to all the participants. A number of families assembled in the hall even before the start of the program. KM Matrimony has made elaborate arrangements at every stage to help quick registration of the details of the participants. The participants expressed surprise and satisfaction when they received the color profiles matching their specifications within 30 minutes.

Though, an amount of Rs.1001/- was fixed as registration fee for the program, to have continual registration and increased level of benefits a number of parents have registered for regular three and six month schemes. Saturday being partial working day for most of the companies a number of registrants came even after 8.00 PM. Such an enthusiasm amply displayed the increased level of patronage and confidence KM Matrimony enjoys among its users. 

The second day (10th) being a Sunday, a large number marriage aspirants gathered at the hall right from the morning. After 11.00 AM a number of them came with their families and children. The fully air-conditioned Vijaya Mahal comforted them from the scorching sun outside. 

Kalyanamalai Mohan, happily moved around the participants, talked with them and comforted them about the immediate prospective marriage with soothing words. Similarly, Mrs.Meera Nagarajan assured the participants about the continued constructive role of KM Matrimony in realizing their marriage dreams.

Thousands of marriage aspirants have participated in the two days Getti Melam program to get the benefit of an early marriage. After serving the last visitor of the day Kalyanamalai Mohan and Meera Nagarajan congratulated the employees of KM Matrimony for their effective participation and had a group photo to honor them. The two-day program came to an end with a happy note.